


Sister Act

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-09-30
Updated: 1999-09-30
Packaged: 2018-11-20 19:52:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11342136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: This story was written on a dare from Hal,and answers the following questions:Just who is Samantha Mulder really? What has shebeen doing all these years, and why? What will Skinnerhave to say about it? Mulder and Scully are appalled whenthey finally get the answers they've been seeking allthese years.





	Sister Act

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

 

Sister Act by Holmes

I'm posting this for someone else. Send love and chocolates to   
"Sister Act" by Holmes   
Rated: R to be on the safe side, although there is no sex. Holmes rating: 3 sick puppies out of five, I'd think.  
Category: Humor/Slash  
Spoilers: One in the summary for One Son, and oblique ones only for the Anasazi Trilogy, Tunguska/Terma, and SR819  
Summary: This story was written on a dare from Hal, and answers the following questions: Just who is Samantha Mulder really? What has she been doing all these years, and why? What will Skinner have to say about it? Mulder and Scully are appalled when they finally get the answers they've been seeking all these years.  
Pairing: I'm not going to tell you. That way, by the time you finish reading this, I'll have found a place to hide.  
Feedback: Yes! Send to . The same kid that got CSM's mail for him will take your comments to me.

* * *

===============  
"Sister Act"  
by Holmes  
===============

Mulder looked nauseated. "Scully, you have GOT to be kidding!" he said.

"No, Mulder, I've run the DNA tests three times, at three different labs," Scully said laying out the identical test results in three rows. "Without a shadow of a doubt, you've found your sister, Samantha."

The wide-eyed, lanky agent put his hand over his mouth as he stared at the results. "I just can't believe it!"

Scully's expressions kaleidoscoped between irritation and amusement, finally settling on bemusement. "I never thought I would say this," she said, "but I think you're being overly skeptical. Not only are the scientific data indisputable, the age and coloring are right."

Mulder stared sharply at her and snorted, "Granted, but forgive me if I'm troubled by a *small* variation from the sister I remember."

"Okay, granted, your sister didn't have a penis the last time that you saw her," Scully said with a shrug, "but you're well aware of the bizarre nature of the Consortium experiments upon abductees. It isn't surprising that your sister suffered a side effect or two."

"A *side effect* or two?" Mulder said angrily. "Is that what you call it when a woman's body spontaneously generates a cock and balls? You make it sound like Samantha took some Robitussin and got a little sleepy."

"Shut up, butt munch," Samantha snapped. "You don't have to rub it in."

Mulder picked up the terrified Samantha by her T-shirt and leather jacket, and yelled, "YOU SAY ONE MORE WORD, AND I'LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, YOU FILTHY RAT BASTARD!"

"MULDER!" Scully said sharply. "Enough! If I can treat your sister nicely after she killed MY sister, then you can certainly make the effort to treat her nicely yourself."

"No one *meant* to kill your sister," Samanthalex said miserably. "It was an accident, I swear."

"Oh come off it, Krycek, I mean Samantha," Scully said, "I know that Luis Cardinale actually pulled the trigger, and that I was the intended victim. That does not change the fact that you were THERE, and that you did nothing to stop him!"

"I WAS there, but we were just supposed to scare you, not kill you," Samanthalex said agitatedly. "Anyway, he was shooting to kill ME, not you or your sister."

"Why did he want to kill you?" Scully said.

"I really can't blame the guy," Samanthalex said sadly. "Because of all the tests and experiments that the Consortium has performed upon me, I've had PMS for the last 15 years. That day, Luis had just had all of my mood swings that he could take, and he snapped. When I ducked, your sister caught the bullet."

"Fifteen years! Oh you poor dear," Scully said sympathetically, patting Samanthalex's shoulder. "Men can be so clueless about these things."

"Yes, they have no idea how bitchy you can get when you bloat for fifteen solid years," Samanthalex said nodding shamefacedly.

"That still doesn't explain why you killed Dad, Sam," Mulder said severely.

"He was going to make me go on a blind date with the First Elder," Samanthalex said, her green eyes hard with bitterness.

Scully shuddered and hugged Samanthalex.

"I can certainly understand why you would want to kill him," Mulder conceded, wincing as he got a visual, "but didn't you think about what killing Dad would do to Mom?"

Samanthalex giggled, "Before or after Daddy missed those five alimony payments? When I told her what I planned to do, Mom bought the bullets for my gun for good luck, Mulder."

"Okay, we can't fault you there," Scully said, "but why did you try to kill Skinner?"

"It was just a lover's spat," Samanthalex laughed. "Everybody has those."

"Not everybody turns their lover into a pencil afterwards," Mulder said dryly.

"Well, if he HADN'T chained me back on the balcony after we made love, I wouldn't have done it!" Samanthalex pouted.

Everyone jumped, as the door slammed open, revealing an enraged A.D. Skinner. "MULDER!" he snarled. "When I say I want to see you in my office NOW, I fucking mean NOW, and...Samanthakins!"

"Samanthakins?" Mulder and Scully said staring at him.

"Wallykins!" Samanthalex said joyfully.

The two lovers ran to each other, but were forcibly kept apart by Mulder. "Hold on, you two!" Mulder growled, "Sir, how come you didn't tell me that you knew where Samantha was all along? For that matter, why didn't you say something, Sam? You two really piss me off."

"I wanted to," Skinner said guiltily, "but she was afraid that you were still mad at her for breaking your Mr. Spock doll and that you'd beat the crap out of her again."

"It *wasn't* a DOLL; it was an ACTION FIGURE," Mulder said, blushing furiously.

Scully snickered, "Don't worry about it Mulder. You're turning out to be the normal one of the family. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"That doesn't explain why you chained my sister to the balcony the second time, sir!" Mulder said angrily.

Skinner indignantly drew himself up to his full height. "In the FIRST damned place, we hadn't finished making love for more than 15 minutes, and I couldn't walk into my bathroom without being hit in the face with nineteen pairs of pantyhose. I didn't think it was possible for one woman to wear that many pairs at the same time. Jesus, I thought Sharon and her mother were living with me again," Skinner said, shuddering from the memory. "In the second place, you have no idea how BITCHY she can get when she's bloating."

They heard a muffled sob, and turned around.

"Wwwwwalllykkkkins, hhhhow ccccould you!" Samanthalex wailed.

"Samanthakins?" Skinner said worriedly, "I'm sorry baby; I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Can Wallykins make it all better?"

"Wallykins could get some insulin for Mulder and me," Scully said sourly. "I think we just became diabetic."

Skinner ignored the disgusted stares of his agents as he tenderly held Samanthalex in his arms.

"You know, Wallykins," she sniffled pitifully, "I could KILL for some chocolate right about now." Samanthalex smiled as the A.D. and his agents frantically searched their pockets and tossed any chocolate they had at her feet.

Yes, PMS was a very good thing, Samanthalex thought contentedly.

***********  
The End  
***********

There! Now didn't that story explain everything?


End file.
